Current Muses

Coco Chanel
Lady Gaga
Erik Satie
cigarettes
the mediterranean
wine

it's scary how much music impacts my mood. On weekends when I am not surrounded by continuous sounds of singing, bowing, scales, vocalizing, trumpets in minor 2nds etc. i feel dead and as if walking in shadows. But when when I'm in rehearsals, practicing, singing, trying to act or operaing, I'm happy, full of excitement. I feel like I am myself. it's scary how much my mood changes, how much I change when I'm home versus when I'm at school. Home reminds me of reality, bills, tensions, money, politics; but at school its music, youtube videos comparing violinists, scales, laughter, acting as if in love, acting as if in anger, singing. AH!!! Singing! its so therapeutic to my soul, i had no idea before.

i want to keep singing, I want to disappear into opera, into fantasy, into wonderfulness.

Discpline

Discipline is tricky. Discipline as in continued, repetitive work; not punishment. Can someone be born with a natural sense of discipline and continuously work? or is it taught at an early age? I;ve wondered many times if discipline is nature or nurture. Discipline, I believe, has to come from within the person. It has to be something that the person always wants to do, study, practice, with the goal of improvement and achievement.

Discipline, defined by dictionary.com, the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc. Music involves discipline. Practicing is integral to develop into a good musicians. I feel that this is difficult for many students because most of the time, its parents or teachers pushing discipline onto the students and then the students giving up. It's a fine line that needs to be constantly walked on by the parents, teachers and students.

As a college student, it has continuously plagued me whether or not I am disciplined enough, whether or not I practice enough. It is different for everyone, based on one's ability and determination, but necessary by all means. I'm the type of person that needs to be held accountable by someone which makes me wary that discipline doesn't come naturally for me, which is disappointing. But I feel that now that I know that I need to be held accountable by a friend, and this friend has been amazing ALWAYS checking up on me, almost every hour, has been exactly what I needed.

But, what are your thoughts? Is discipline genetic or learned?

Questions...

If God knew that this is what the world will come to, then is He okay with what we're doing?

If God knew that he created a creature that would disobey Him every chance they get, is He okay with it?

Are we predestined for something?

And if there is no such thing as predestination, then is God really God?

Is it Christian to love God and follow God but have issues with Jesus?

-hmmmmm

D-O-N-E

Sometimes you come to a point in your life. It doesn't matter what about, or when, or how, or why. This point can be pivotal or just a little hill you must climb. It depends on many factors. However, I feel that this point in my life is pivotal because I'm at a point in my life where the fog is clearing up and I can look to the ground and follow a clear path and see that it leads to a horizon. Here's what I mean:

1. I'm not going to care what other people think of my talents.

2. I'm not going to care what other people think of my performances, my interpretations, my technique, my musicality, ANYMORE.

3. I will not compare myself to others' talents and forth comings to mine.

4. I will not care what a certain person thinks of my piano-playing.

5. I will not be judged or allow myself to be judge myself by Richter's standards.

6. I will not let myself scare myself into a nervous wreck by imagining what my peers might say about my performances.

7. I will not let anyone's criticisms hurt me.

8. I will not let ANYONE tell me I'm not good at what I do.

But:

1. I will believe in my talents.

2. I will believe in my work ethic.

3. I will believe that I am disciplined and dedicated.

4. I will appreciate my talents rather than blame them for my shortcomings.

5. I will work for my dreams.

6. I will work for my parents' happiness and pride.

7. I will represent my people in the best way possible.

8. I will be happy that I am a pianist AND a singer.

I will block out everything and everyone when I play or sing because I'm going to enjoy the fact that I've been blessed with this gift for music rather than feel cursed by it, or cursed by the fact that NO ONE can agree on any performance as being good because I'm not Argerich, Richter, or Kissin. I'm done with self-criticizing and making excuses. I'm done with making myself feel small, uneducated, and untalented because one person says I'm not good enough. I'm done making negative and terrible scenarios in my head of failures rather than success. That's it.

I'm at a loss. I feel like closing my eyes and never waking up. It makes no sense! Even Pride and Prejudice is on right now and I can barely look at it. That once beautiful and fantastic story only brings me to write and ponder if really things have changed. Really, I mean is there anything important in life? All things come and go, nothing remains forever; people, places, friends, Family! for God's sake mean nothing! For those who believe that this life is a "test", a "trial run" that this life is preparation for the "next" then this life is defined by death, by the end and that we are only dying in this life and that at the exact point where we expire is when we begin our actual lives, however, it depends on what animal He thinks you are, the sheep? or the goat? Poor thing.

Just to close my eyes and wake up whenever I want, to cast out people I never want to see again, to live in the manner of my choosing, to find something that means something. I'm vague, and I'm blabbering but even though I'm yearning for complete freedom I know it's not real! Then why am I hoping?!? Why am I falling for stories like Pride and Prejudice, for a Mr. Darcy, for an incredible career? I almost feel entitled!. I'm sorry, Now you'll think of me as conceited. But nothing is promised, nothing means anything because it all ends. Everything.

Family! What a complicated and tiresome thing. Again, it can be formed by any means and destroyed just as easily. Many people say you are nothing without your family, I chose not to believe in that. I don't think so. I think it can be empowering and in fact better!!!! Much, Much better! Now I understand that children need parents but after a certain point, it's done, especially when you have a family so constrictive, so shallow, and so weak. NO backbone, No sense of honor or loyalty. But then again, these are my naive chivalric ideals. People will surely disappoint. And yet like a fool, I give them another chance, endlessly. I am not so kind to myself as I am with others. Well, whatever. At the end of it all, we all will see what happens.

Eternity

It is a difficult concept to fathom, especially human beings who have a limited and short-sighted capacity on everything. Thinking about how long eternity is makes my head spin. I'm a visual learner and I see eternity like a time band stretching horizontally forever; there aren't any markers that give measurements, just markers that exist. In any case this chapter is titled "Made to Last Forever." It is nice when you think about it. I like what Warren says in his second sentence, "Life on earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production." (Warren, 36) I can totally relate to that. If we believe there is an eternity, then we must make sure that we can get as much as we can right, on earth, during our dress rehearsal, so we don't screw it up for the real production. There is a lot of hope in believing that eternity exists. But to me, there is also a lot of pain.

Here's what I mean: Growing up in America has its many many perks, great opportunities and I feel blessed to have been born and raised here. However, our culture doesn't revolve around but speeds through everything. Life is a rat race. It's a race not to a finish line, no. It's a race to who can be the most successful, the richest, the most beautiful, the superlative. Don't take this as a condemnation of materialism but rather that everything we do is always about tomorrow. it's always about preparing for the next day. I've always felt that this is my life, ever since middle school it's been about college. And now it is about New York, moving out of LA and going to NY to make all my dreams come true.

It's never been about today. And I feel that there is an eternity, which can only mean that everything we do today will affect tomorrow and at some point, that tomorrow is going to be eternity. It seems pain-filled; it seems unsatisfactory; it seems like being stretched to a point of being see-through; sort of like what the ring does to Bilbo. That this life is only a preparation for the next. I have NEVER wanted to live forever; immortality isn't appealing and maybe because I am only thinking of it in human/earthly terms. I mean who would want to live forever on this earth?! But God has wired to desire to be immortal because He has created us in His image. He is immortal. But, if we believe all of this, then our lives on earth are short because we have a lot to do. Warren says that when we live with this knowledge, we being to live "in light of eternity." And when we live in light of eternity, our values change, our priorities are reordered, our relationships are held more dear, our life becomes precious and so does our soul and spirit.

Enlightening analogy:

"Just as the nine months you spent in your mother's womb were not an end in themselves but preparation for life, so this life is preparation for the next." (40)

Question to Consider:

Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

My answer:

Thing to stop: procrastination for all things, even becoming a Christian,

Thing to start doing: slowly proclaiming the Word through my actions, my words and how I portray myself to other.

What are your thoughts?

Day 2: Accidents happen; or do they?

You are not an accident.

Today is the second day of my (our) spiritual journey and we are covering the concept of accident vs. purpose. To summarize, Warren lists the many reasons why and how the individual, any individual is not an accident; that from the beginning, before conception, before our parents ever thought of anything, that we were in His mind and that He wanted to create us to express His love. He (Warren) goes on to say that He thought of the us, human race before He thought of creating earth, the solar system etc. which to me makes more sense. You have something, say a bunch of books, therefore you would need something to house them in, hence the bookcase. In any case, as stupid as that analogy was, Warren continues with sappy statements like "You are alive because God wanted to create you," (Warren, 22) or "God made you so that he could love you," (Warren, 24). But even with these somewhat pathetic (although I know I am being harsh) statements, I found comfort in them. Warren states that He knows when you were to be born and when you are to die; He knows who your parents are to be and why they were the perfect two people to make you, the perfect you that He wanted; He sculpted you, your race, nationality, gender, hair color, eye color facial features, body type, all were created for a purpose, for God's ultimate purpose for you. I, somehow find comfort in that; that He knows everything, that He took care of everything, that He realizes every detail is important and doesn't let anything slip Him by. It is really remarkable if one tries to fathom the amount of work and brain power it would take to take care of EVERY living creature on earth. And we even haven't gotten to prayers, problems, life yet.

But what I think was the heart of this chapter as pertaining to my spiritual journey to finding purpose in my life is this: "We discover that meaning and purpose only when we make God the reference point of our lives." (Warren, 25) It means, that God's purpose for each of us is different, individual and only can be found or figured out by ourselves through God, through our walk, our relationship with him.

"Love is the essence of God's character." (Warren, 24)
The Bible says that "God is love", not God has love or that God finds love etc, etc, etc. He is love. I guess that's why many people claim that Christianity isn't a religion, that it is more a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Warren's main purpose is to prove to his reader(s), through the Bible, that God values us, that He loves us and therefore has a purpose in our lives. Because He created us, he loves us and therefore has a purpose for us. This isn't like a parent helping their child find what they're good at or a major that can make them successful financially, maybe even emotionally. This is your purpose. It has nothing to do with your career, your family, your friends, your hobbies and activities. It has nothing to do with work environments, money or breaking that glass barrier. It has EVERYTHING to do with why we are here. and that translates differently for everyone. All the things that I listed are tools that God may choose to use for His purpose in you life. I guess ';m getting a little confused so one question:

Is it my purpose in life or His purpose through my life?

Anyways, despite the tangent, I think I'm lightly tapping on the iceberg that this issue is. So the question to consider today is the areas of my personality, background and physical appearance that I am struggling to accept.

Here's what I wrote in my little journal:
I never really believed that every thing on earth was a result of astronomical chance. the chances are WAY too slim, to the point of being nonexistent. I've also thought that I do have a purpose, a big one at that too. I've always thought that I am to change the way people think about music and about Armenian. (ever since I was little, mind you) So, for the question: I feel like I have a great personality but that I could never fit in to the social structures, the mindset that everybody else seemed to be link into. My background, well being Armenian has been troublesome and I know that it will only continue as I face bigger challenges in my life. My appearance, well, I'm a girl, so that means I will nitpick to no end about that. There are many things that I'm not happy about and that I have struggled with since I was 10. It has been an uphill battle with no summit. That's a self-realization I've never had before: It's an uphill battle with no summit. That is exactly what its been. Everyday it bothers me. Everyday I feel like I could have done better, that I've been lazy and guilt, embarrassment and constant brain power focused on such negativity has blocked my way of ever finding a way out. I know this to be true but I also know that even with an optimistic view I will nitpick silently and numb myself into thinking that I'm being positive.

So. We have established that we are not accidents. We have established that this journey and the rest of our lives must start with God, and not ourselves. Day 2 complete. All though I truly dislike "looking into myself", "tyring to love myself" crap, I like the twist and ultimate truth that Warren is framing with. Start with God. In fact, it's a much easier place to start off with.

"God doesn't play dice." - Albert Einstein

40 Days

"In my twenty-seventh year, while riding the metro in Leningrad, I was overcome with a despair so great that life seemed to stop at once, preemting the future entirely, let alone any meaning. Suddenly. all by itself, a phrase appeared: Without God life makes no sense. Repeating it in astonishment, I rode the phrase up like a moving staircase, got out of the metro and walked into God's light." That was a quote from Andrei Bitov, a Russian novelist living in the time of the Soviet Communist regime. It comes from David Friend's The Meaning of Life and is also used in Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life.

The first thing that passed through my mind when I read this quote was, "Yes, I know that feeling; I've felt it at least three times and in between those collapses I've felt see-through." The second thing that passed through my mind was "He [Warren] found one atheist, a Russian at that, to prove to me that his book means something. Lame." The third thing is that Warren assumes that God actually exists.

The reason for this post is because of the preceding paragraph. It's because I've felt life hitting me in the face and stopping both world and time and for a few moments feeling like gravity doesn't exist but knowing I've hit rock bottom. Only problem is, I've hit rock bottom several times, but this summer was a new and devastating low. I read many articles on self-help books, e-articles, synopses, listened to a few speakers and tried to find a way out. I only ended up successfully shoving it out of my consciousness, with the help of friends, concerts, coffee, washing dishes and my greatest partner in crime, t.v. But it invades my thought when my guard is down; it invades my sleep, it invades my reading as I ponder the characters through my twisted and broken frame of life reference, it takes over any solitude that I find and it consumes me. I haven't had piece of mind for a little over a month now. But May was nice; yeah, May was nice.

In any case, like an Angelino, a spiritual journey sounded celebrity, it sounded hip as I read that Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life was a book designed as a 40 day spiritual journey; 40 days being very significant in the Bible as an adequate and preparatory time for focus, self-realization and self-actualization. All these words appeal to me; I'm not going to lose anything in trying.

In the book, Warren outlines five purposes that God has for the individual, sort of like five parts, each part containing seven chapters. It's designed to be integrated into your daily routine by reading one chapter a day and pondering its meaning for your life and your spiritual walk with Christ. For those you are not in a relationship with Christ (like me) Warren will outline how to begin one as for his book and outlook on life, it is the core.

We begin with Part 1: What on Earth am I here for?

A very appealing question for MANY people.

Chapter 1: It all starts with God
Warren argues that self-hep books, self realization techniques the whole thing starts off on the wrong foot by starting with the "me". By starting with the self, we are often left disappointed and lost as to realize anything in our lives. He says that I should do the reverse, by starting with the being that created me; that we are to live for God because we are by God. Here are a few questions:

1. What does it mean to live for God?
2. How do I live for God?
3. What should I do to know that I am living for God?
4. Are success/fame/dreams/ambitions UN-Christian?
5. Is it selfish and self-serving to pursue my dreams and my hopes?
6. Can I serve God and still find what I want in life?
7. How can I not be selfish about my life?

I guess I'm coming from the idea that my career is my purpose in life. Like a teacher's purpose is to educate, or a medical professional, say a doctor, is to heal, to save lives. Often, especially at APU, I have come across other students who serve the community in tangible ways through sports for at-risk kids, through the nursing program, through homework help, through social awareness of hot button issues like poverty, racial tensions and immigration. And I feel like music is a selfish pursuit, that singing opera and playing the piano is only about me and my desires and wants. How can I serve or even start to live for God when I feel like my passion is so self-centered?

I'm hoping someone is reading this and wants to take this 40 day spiritual journey with me. Please feel free to leave comments, your opinions, maybe even links. whatever! I just would like someone to walk with.

Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless. - Bertrand Russell, atheist

What do you do with times like these? When life hands you good things? It's incredible to think how quickly life passes by especially when we're focused and diligent. The apartment is almost cleaned out and people are in and out, busy with what's ahead. The sky is blue and bright and life is good. Many things have happened and life still goes on. I on the other hand will enjoy tonight and see what happens.

This week has been hell week. trying to get everything together and practicing to the last minute not only for myself but for other people's juries. Instrumental Juries and Vocal Juries all on the same day. same time period. Are you kidding? Not only do I have my sophomore platform for voice, I'm accompanying three other people who still don't have time slots for their juries. Plus, i don't know what time my jury will be because I don't get to sign up for it. I cancelled pretty much everything today because not only am I exhausted physically but I'm starting to feel these side effects from taking Nyquil. Blurred vision, headaches I don't know what. But it does help me sleep at night, or else I would never get to the REM cycle and have lost all functioning ability. I'm so beyond tired, I feel like lead weight. I can't wait until this semesters is over. Many things have gone wrong, many people are frayed, and I just can't do this again.

But I know myself. Laziness is not an option for me. I literally cannot do it because I have so many commitments to everyone else that commitments for myself never seem to make it on the priority list. I have dealt with so many people, so many situations, and yet nothing seems solved and it drains every last bit of energy and life from me. Summer will bring hopes of better things and time for myself, to work. arghhh! just work. keep practicing. keep pushing. I know that if I keep moving at this pace I will push myself over the edge and I know that i won't be able to stop myself.

I hate the clock. It's just a reminder of what is yet to come, how I only have 40min. until I have to do something for a friend. My inability to stop and say no is nonexistent. I can't really confide this to anyone I live with or my parents. I'll just keep waking up doing what I need to do and a whole lot of extra shit for everyone else until May 10th. The projected date of rest. Maybe.

Watermelon Tootsie Pop

Watermelon Tootsie Pop. A sign of loneliness? yeah. definitely. I'm sitting in my apartment, my work done for the day, watching House M.D., 30 Rock and SNL and blogging. One of my roommates is in West Side Story rehearsing, the other at a women's retreat with her church, and the other two at a Murder Mystery themed Poker Game. I have been in this apartment this entire weekend by myself, doing work, practicing and feeding the fish, who, by the way tried to kill themselves multiple times. We suspect that dauntless jumped out of its fishbowl knocking over the fish food and then jumped back in. I know there are only two weeks left, which I suppose is making me feel desperate. But I know that once a roommate shows up, I'm going to be left with an even more sour mood. There are no prospects for any relationship between this guy and me. It's been knocked down by the parents and he really hasn't said even implied, at least I don't think, anything. Always the friend, never the girlfriend.

I guess I can be totally honest in this blog since I don't have anyone that reads it, let alone follows it. Not that I wouldn't be honest if someone read it, just that I wouldn't be sappy in my posts. But whatever, in three years, I'll hopefully be moving to New York, for more school and a chance at life. A chance to be whoever I want to be, a chance to be what I've always wanted to be. Is it weird that I hear my upstairs neighbor's phone vibrate? and they suck at being quiet. I'm surprised the ceiling hasn't collapsed with whatever goes on there. Anyways, its 10:10 pm and I'm seriously thinking of going to bed. I feel old and as Elizabeth said, "I am not one and twenty." so, they're you go.

I'm hoping this summer that I will drive to Santa Barbara more often, maybe Pismo Beach even. The clam chowder bread bowl was amazing and well worth the trip. I'll definitely go to Malibu for the Getty Villa and see as many art shows and exhibits as I can. I'll read more. Tolkein and C.S. Lewis, maybe some Kirkegaard and Nietzche. I'll learn German and Italian. I'll learn to escape reality and make blissful dreams. Maybe I'll fall in love rather than learn how to act it on stage or continuously read it or see it in movies. I'll recreate a better me, a more confident, efficient, beautiful, intelligent, driven, me.

All this from a tootsie pop. All this from an empty apartment.