I'm at a loss. I feel like closing my eyes and never waking up. It makes no sense! Even Pride and Prejudice is on right now and I can barely look at it. That once beautiful and fantastic story only brings me to write and ponder if really things have changed. Really, I mean is there anything important in life? All things come and go, nothing remains forever; people, places, friends, Family! for God's sake mean nothing! For those who believe that this life is a "test", a "trial run" that this life is preparation for the "next" then this life is defined by death, by the end and that we are only dying in this life and that at the exact point where we expire is when we begin our actual lives, however, it depends on what animal He thinks you are, the sheep? or the goat? Poor thing.

Just to close my eyes and wake up whenever I want, to cast out people I never want to see again, to live in the manner of my choosing, to find something that means something. I'm vague, and I'm blabbering but even though I'm yearning for complete freedom I know it's not real! Then why am I hoping?!? Why am I falling for stories like Pride and Prejudice, for a Mr. Darcy, for an incredible career? I almost feel entitled!. I'm sorry, Now you'll think of me as conceited. But nothing is promised, nothing means anything because it all ends. Everything.

Family! What a complicated and tiresome thing. Again, it can be formed by any means and destroyed just as easily. Many people say you are nothing without your family, I chose not to believe in that. I don't think so. I think it can be empowering and in fact better!!!! Much, Much better! Now I understand that children need parents but after a certain point, it's done, especially when you have a family so constrictive, so shallow, and so weak. NO backbone, No sense of honor or loyalty. But then again, these are my naive chivalric ideals. People will surely disappoint. And yet like a fool, I give them another chance, endlessly. I am not so kind to myself as I am with others. Well, whatever. At the end of it all, we all will see what happens.