D-O-N-E

Sometimes you come to a point in your life. It doesn't matter what about, or when, or how, or why. This point can be pivotal or just a little hill you must climb. It depends on many factors. However, I feel that this point in my life is pivotal because I'm at a point in my life where the fog is clearing up and I can look to the ground and follow a clear path and see that it leads to a horizon. Here's what I mean:

1. I'm not going to care what other people think of my talents.

2. I'm not going to care what other people think of my performances, my interpretations, my technique, my musicality, ANYMORE.

3. I will not compare myself to others' talents and forth comings to mine.

4. I will not care what a certain person thinks of my piano-playing.

5. I will not be judged or allow myself to be judge myself by Richter's standards.

6. I will not let myself scare myself into a nervous wreck by imagining what my peers might say about my performances.

7. I will not let anyone's criticisms hurt me.

8. I will not let ANYONE tell me I'm not good at what I do.

But:

1. I will believe in my talents.

2. I will believe in my work ethic.

3. I will believe that I am disciplined and dedicated.

4. I will appreciate my talents rather than blame them for my shortcomings.

5. I will work for my dreams.

6. I will work for my parents' happiness and pride.

7. I will represent my people in the best way possible.

8. I will be happy that I am a pianist AND a singer.

I will block out everything and everyone when I play or sing because I'm going to enjoy the fact that I've been blessed with this gift for music rather than feel cursed by it, or cursed by the fact that NO ONE can agree on any performance as being good because I'm not Argerich, Richter, or Kissin. I'm done with self-criticizing and making excuses. I'm done with making myself feel small, uneducated, and untalented because one person says I'm not good enough. I'm done making negative and terrible scenarios in my head of failures rather than success. That's it.

I'm at a loss. I feel like closing my eyes and never waking up. It makes no sense! Even Pride and Prejudice is on right now and I can barely look at it. That once beautiful and fantastic story only brings me to write and ponder if really things have changed. Really, I mean is there anything important in life? All things come and go, nothing remains forever; people, places, friends, Family! for God's sake mean nothing! For those who believe that this life is a "test", a "trial run" that this life is preparation for the "next" then this life is defined by death, by the end and that we are only dying in this life and that at the exact point where we expire is when we begin our actual lives, however, it depends on what animal He thinks you are, the sheep? or the goat? Poor thing.

Just to close my eyes and wake up whenever I want, to cast out people I never want to see again, to live in the manner of my choosing, to find something that means something. I'm vague, and I'm blabbering but even though I'm yearning for complete freedom I know it's not real! Then why am I hoping?!? Why am I falling for stories like Pride and Prejudice, for a Mr. Darcy, for an incredible career? I almost feel entitled!. I'm sorry, Now you'll think of me as conceited. But nothing is promised, nothing means anything because it all ends. Everything.

Family! What a complicated and tiresome thing. Again, it can be formed by any means and destroyed just as easily. Many people say you are nothing without your family, I chose not to believe in that. I don't think so. I think it can be empowering and in fact better!!!! Much, Much better! Now I understand that children need parents but after a certain point, it's done, especially when you have a family so constrictive, so shallow, and so weak. NO backbone, No sense of honor or loyalty. But then again, these are my naive chivalric ideals. People will surely disappoint. And yet like a fool, I give them another chance, endlessly. I am not so kind to myself as I am with others. Well, whatever. At the end of it all, we all will see what happens.